I have been spending the past few weeks ruminating and healing.It's not everytime you see a man finally realise his errors, admit to it, bear the cost and find his way back out of the guilt.
It has been weeks of reflections for me and I finally have the answer to the question I'd been asking myself for the past 5 months: "what went wrong?" I'm sure you don't need a magic book to see where this is going, yes? If you guessed I took a wrong path, then you're right. I went a wrong way and I kept pushing down that path till I almost got to an end I wouldn't be able to recover from. It reminds me of that scripture in proverbs that says "there is a way that seems right to a man but the end thereof is destruction" (Proverbs 14:12).
I was cycling on full speed down a path of some kind of destruction and it took grace to reroute me. It's still a lot that I'm yet to fully recover from, but I'm doing well and that's enough.
What have I been up to?
For one, it was my birthday on the 19th and I did a few things that felt a lot even for me. I went down to Ilorin to pick up my certificate and see my friends, I cut and dyed my hair, and I made peace with whatever chapter of the past that had failed to close shut properly.
For me, the haircut felt like a renewal of some sort. Like a kind of death to be born again; a Pheonix if you would. I feel reborn, like I've been given a second chance to be. I won't lie, I like the whole new everything, it feels like an upgrade, but there's also the part of actually doing what I'm supposed to do with this new opportunity.
Just a few nights ago, I was telling my friend how i felt tired and wanted to watch kdrama while pretending not to hear God calling me because I just wasn't ready. There is a God-shaped hole in my heart and I'm filling it with anime and kdrama. We know the things we ought to do but getting to it seems like a war within all the members of ourselves.
I finally understand what scripture means by the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41b). Because really really, this flesh is very weak and exhausted and would like to rest before climbing up the next mountain. I feel like that's what I've been doing all my life; climbing mountains and holding victory flags.
It's a really lovely thing to me actually, but sometimes, I would just like to be and breathe and pace myself up the next mountain instead of running as if everything in existence is dependent on that upscale.
Other things I have been thinking about:
1. I watched a reel where Pastor Bolaji Idowu of Harvesters said "We overestimate the maturity of our parents". This was too real for me because I had just recently been thinking about that too.
Coming to terms with adulthood, I realised that parents are just adults who gave birth and adults are just kids who grew. None of these translates to actually knowing it right, it just means that kid with bad experiences had a child and is training that child with their experience mindset.
To the child, the mother is god, but in reality, the mother is just another human with an influenced psychology just trying to make the days go by. If I became a parent right now, it most definitely does not mean I hold all the answers in the world to give my child the best of anything, it simply means I gave birth.
Right now, I'm realising that my psychology has been influenced by so many factors and because I believe something to be right, that I have instinctual responses and reactions to certain events does not mean that those are the best ways to do anything. It's simply what my mind and body have learnt over the years to keep me alive.
This thought translated to me realising and identifying certain things about my parents, grandparents and uncles. Everyone is just speaking and acting off their conditioning, it doesn't mean anyone's way is the way, it just means that there are better ways to handle things than how we know how to.
Understanding this will help you in forgiving yourself and your parents for some decisions and actions you or them made in the past. "If they knew better, they would do better", we do only what we know and we can never do what we have never learnt to.
2. On my new hairdo, I heard a lot of "what does society say about woman who cut and dye their hair?" "Why would you cut your hair looking at your stature, what would people say?"
For one, I don't really give a thought to what people say. And as for society, if society knew what was right and not, maybe society would be in a much better place.
Take a look at society and tell me if that's the best place to get your opinions from. I'm not saying I abandon people's respect and regard to me, but I don't do it because "what would they say?", I do it because I have a responsibility to not make the people who look up to me fail.
One would say "but I didn't ask them to look up to me". Ah well, the thing is that for me, I am a shining light. I was born to shine whether or not I try, the best thing I can do is to choose to shine with intentionality. The statement seems egotistic, yes? But I don't really care, I think I mentioned that already. If I can't help but shine, why not do it right? Maybe you should ask yourself sometimes too.
And lastly, if you buy into the idea of doing everything society says, then maybe you deserve to be judged by it; you would have judged someone else that same exact way either way.
Do let me know what you think about my hair, society and how your weeks have been. I look forward to hearing from you. 💜🍁
Loveee the new look.💕